Thursday, 28 August 2014


That's how I feel. I feel like I'm drowning in worry, debt, stress etc etc. I know I'm not alone, I know so many other people have a worse time of it than I do, but today I just can't cope anymore. All I want to do is hideaway and cry. I can't though. This afternoon I'm going to the hospital with my Mumma to get the results of her lung biopsy. I'm 90% sure she has lung cancer, like my Daddy has, yes he has cancer. I'm going round to help them as often as I can, which makes me feel so terribly guilty that I can't go round more. I need more hours in a day.
This weekend I worked Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday nights, so I last saw my parents last Thursday. I went round yesterday, and although I know he didn't mean to , my Dad put me on a guilt trip about him missing me massaging his back and legs as it helps him so much. I work 12 hour shifts, I need my sleep or I'll make mistakes at work, which if it's a big enough mistake could lead me to killing someone, albeit inadvertently.
So the guilt has set in in a massive way, but I honestly cannot go round daily as much as I want to.
So I'm caring for my parents, caring for my lovelies at work (I'm an HCA, I'm the one that does the night shift, solo). I care for my husband as he has had a spate of small seizures recently, yay for epilepsy.

I can't care anymore.

I have no empathy left.

I want to hide.

I want to sob.

I want to be cared for.

I have so many wants, none of which will be addressed.

I want my husband to have a job that pays him, instead of volunteering so I don't have to do every extra shift I can just to make ends meet.

I feel like I'm drowning and I'd like someone to throw me a lifeline.

I have an hour to pull myself together, put on my smiley happy face and go to the hospital to find out the results.

I am the consummate actress, no one ever knows how I really feel

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Worry, work, worry and relax

I worked a late shift on Friday, I normally just do nights, so working during the day is always fun for me as I get to actually see the residents awake and in clothes, not just nightwear! I digress (already), so I was at work and my phone starts buzzing in my pocket, as I was sort of on my break I excused myself and answered, it was my Daddy, his first sentence after informing me it was him was "I have some bad news..." I went white apparently. Now my Daddy NEVER phones me, ever. So I knew it was about mum and with those words I leapt to the conclusion that she had passed away. His next sentence was " Mum is in hospital" Cue masses of relief that she wasn't actually dead. He told me what he knew, which wasn't an awful lot, so I told him I'd go straight to his house after work at half seven. My senior let me go a bit early as I cracked on and got everything done asap. So, got to his house at half seven, phoned the hospital to find out what was going on.

Mum was taken in because she was having dizzy spells whenever she stood up, the mass worry comes from the fact she has had a heart attack and a stroke and has type two diabetes.Ambulance called and carted off to hospital, which is the one thing mum didn't want.

The doctor was utterly brill! She explained everything to me and I relayed it all to dad . I then packed an overnight bag for Mum and walked down to A&E where she still was. Her face lit up when she saw me. It was one of the moments in time that I will keep forever in my heart.

Mum got moved over to the medical ward and had to answer the 50 million questions they have to ask. This led to mass hilarity as mum often gets words muddled up after her stroke last year. When asked what sort of glasses she wore she promptly answered with "I have bisexual ones" the nurse and I packed up laughing and mum looked a bit, lost then proudly said " I meant bifocals and you two are terrible" then she started giggling too. More questions and more answers, then onto the BP, temp etc.

By this time it was about 11pm, a few more questions and waiting for the doctor, he popped in let mum have some pain relief and told me I could leave now as I looked shattered (I was). I got home at midnight and had a cup of tea then straight to bed, to attempt some sleep before being picked up at 6 for work (morning shift!).I think I finally dropped off at 2, alarm went off at 5 , I did my very best zombie impression and got up and made coffee, lots of coffee. Did my shift, and at ten past 2 I was again at dads so we could go visit mum. Dad isn't allowed to drive anymore, I can't drive. So I nagged at him to get a cab! I got my own way (spoilt brat that I am) and as the cab driver knows me we got a discount anyway (win!)  and also a £1 voucher for the return journey home (bonus).
We arrived and went to see mummy who was trying to phone us to tell us not to bother as she was moving wards, so we all moved wards with her.

The docs had done all the tests they could and had discovered that Mum is massively anaemic, hence the racing heart beat  and dizzy spells. The fix is a massive iron transfusion. So that was all in place for after visiting overs were over at 4pm. Mum was upset that she'd be in hospital overnight again, but I explained that even if she had the transfusion and felt a billion times better, I'd not know what to do if she had a reaction overnight, yes I'd stay overnight with my parents to make sure everything was okay. Mum finally realised what I meant and decided that hospital was the best place.

Dad and I went back to his house, I tidied up a bit and put the washing out and then legged it home to tidy up before my inlaws arrived that evening, Got home and my beloved hubby and son had done all the housework! I love them both to bits. It got to 7pm and I was falling asleep, so I went to bed and missed the visit from my inlaws. They understood the reason why so were cool with it, which I think was good of them.

I'm about to call the hospital to see how Mum is today, hopefully she'll be able to come home this afternoon as my sister can pick Dad up and then collect Mum, and I can pop round this evening to make sure everything is oki doki . If not I shall have a wander down to the hospital and eat all her grapes and read her magazines, I'm lovely like that  ;-)

I happily made myself my mums next of kin as well as my brother, so the hospital are guaranteed to be able to get hold of one us. I felt very grown up whilst doing that, odd sensation really.

If you managed to read all of that , I applaud you!

Monday, 7 July 2014

Re wired and re gassed

    Last Monday my house started to get rewired, 20 years of clutter had to be gotten rid of, sooo huge skip was delivered a week earlier and promptly filled to the brim! Meanwhile, the utilities people showed up to dig the roads and pavements up to redo all the gas mains... When I called the skip people to pick it up I did warn them that the road had been dug up... nooo problem I was told! Little did they know, the foooollllss! 

Basically the front of my house has enough room to walk to the drive to get to the front door, no you cannot get a car, let alone a skip picker upper (official term that) near enough to the actual skip.. Um, so yeah, I learnt a LOT of new phrases that afternoon! The gas people were trying to not kill themselves laughing, I was dieing of random giggling in my living room and the sparkies I had in the house were attempting to outdo the skip picker upper driver. The air was a lovely shade of blue, in fact I reckon it went through the entire spectrum of blue and out the other side, then back again.

That was day one.

   By day two I would of happily throttled anyone who made any sort of noise with a drill. I have had all my floorboards taken up, dust everywhere and I seem to have lost everything I put in a safe place. Safe places are a misnomer, they aren't safe at all, unless you count never being able to sodding find it ever again "safe".

If the electricians were quiet, the gas people were drilling up the road, random drives or pavements, I think they just like drilling. When the gas people were shhh, guess who started making loads of noise? Yep, the electricians. I had a week long headache.

    Day three I had to go to the hospital with my parents, but that is a whole different blog for another day, when I feel up to it.

    Day four, I was locked out of my house as they were doing the downstairs, no electricity, no gas which meant NO COFFEE! Luckily it was a nice hot sunny day, so I sat outside and read my book, and promptly got bored after ten minutes. How the hell do people sit in the sun and not do anything for more than ten minutes? I was going stir crazy whilst out there. So I pottered about the garden tidying things up (I think they were weeds, not too sure, but they're gone now), that lasted for another ten minutes before I was bored of that. May of helped if I'd worn my work boots and not my dolly shoes and perhaps shorts and a tshirt and not a maxi dress. Despite lashings of sun cream, I got burnt. That is why I don't do the whole going outside and sitting in the garden. When I did sit, it was in the shade, how the flying wotsits did I get burnt? HOW? 

By this time I needed coffee and the loo... Bad times indeed. I had no way of boiling the kettle (I had put the camping stove in a safe place, fatal mistake), no electric and no gas, can't leave the house cos of the dogs, sooo stuck all day with no coffee! It was not a good day.

    Day five (supposedly the last day), they were all over the house, I was infested with electricians. Did they get everything done? No. So they're coming back this week to finish off *sigh*

    I took that week off of work, so my annual leave was spent getting up and dressed at some ungodly hour in the morning and not being able to relax at all. So much for "holiday" . On the plus side, my house at the moment is lovely and tidy, this won't last, I'm a mess magnet :D

   I hope you all (yes you, you at the back) had a more relaxed and quieter week.