Drowning

That's how I feel. I feel like I'm drowning in worry, debt, stress etc etc. I know I'm not alone, I know so many other people have a worse time of it than I do, but today I just can't cope anymore. All I want to do is hideaway and cry. I can't though. This afternoon I'm going to the hospital with my Mumma to get the results of her lung biopsy. I'm 90% sure she has lung cancer, like my Daddy has, yes he has cancer. I'm going round to help them as often as I can, which makes me feel so terribly guilty that I can't go round more. I need more hours in a day.
This weekend I worked Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday nights, so I last saw my parents last Thursday. I went round yesterday, and although I know he didn't mean to , my Dad put me on a guilt trip about him missing me massaging his back and legs as it helps him so much. I work 12 hour shifts, I need my sleep or I'll make mistakes at work, which if it's a big enough mistake could lead me to killing someone, albeit inadvertently.
So the guilt has set in in a massive way, but I honestly cannot go round daily as much as I want to.
So I'm caring for my parents, caring for my lovelies at work (I'm an HCA, I'm the one that does the night shift, solo). I care for my husband as he has had a spate of small seizures recently, yay for epilepsy.

I can't care anymore.

I have no empathy left.

I want to hide.

I want to sob.

I want to be cared for.

I have so many wants, none of which will be addressed.


I want my husband to have a job that pays him, instead of volunteering so I don't have to do every extra shift I can just to make ends meet.

I feel like I'm drowning and I'd like someone to throw me a lifeline.

I have an hour to pull myself together, put on my smiley happy face and go to the hospital to find out the results.

I am the consummate actress, no one ever knows how I really feel